The school year is in full swing and it is important to make sure our kids are developing healthy relationships. Sometimes though those relationships don't feel safe and that they need some support. Creating a supportive network of trusted adults to go to in case they are being bullied in school, on their sports team or just in their neighborhood is a good idea. To begin the conversation here are some Do's and Don'ts for supporting your child if they are being bullied.
DO: Tell Them They Are Not Alone
Bullying can be an incredibly isolating experience, and many victims feel that
they are alone–that something about them, specifically, has brought this on.
Explain to your child that bullying is something that can happen to anyone: boys,
girls, preschoolers, high schoolers, kids at large schools and kids at small
schools. This means there is a large group of people impacted by bullying, and if
we all work together, we can certainly make a difference.
DON’T: Suggest They “Just Ignore It”
A common reaction to bullying is encouraging the victim to ignore the bully. They
just want a reaction, people say, and if you deny them the reaction, they'll go
away. That's not always the case. Sometimes, when the bully realizes they are
being ignored, they can feel a sense of power over their victim that can actually
make the situation worse.
DO: Check In Regularly
Asking your child basic questions about their day and their experience at school
can help you catch a problem sooner. Ask how a specific class was, or who they
sat with at lunch. Ask who is trying out for the team, or who is going to local fair
that weekend. These harmless questions tell your child that you care, but they
can also help you detect changes in your child's situation that may indicate a
bullying problem.
DON’T: Suggest Your Child Stand Up To The Bully
While helping your child prepare a speech or enrolling them in self-defense
courses might seem like an empowering solution, you're sending the message to
your child that this problem is theirs, and that they have to handle it alone.
Instead, discuss what some solutions might be and involve your child in the
decision making process.
DO: Set Boundaries Online
The National Crime Prevention Council reports that 20 to 43 percent of middle
and high school students have reported being victims of cyber bullying.
Encourage your child to protect themselves by following these two guidelines:
1. Never say or do anything online that you wouldn't say or do in person.
2. Never share any information that you wouldn't tell a stranger.
DON’T: Express Disbelief
While we'd like to think we know everything about our children and their friends,
don't express disbelief if they say someone has done something that shocks you.
Your child needs to know that they can trust you. Asking them to provide
evidence or saying that someone would never do that can come across as you
taking the side of someone other than your child. Instead, be as supportive as
possible and listen to their side.
DO: Encourage Them To Speak Up
A recent study of children ages 9 to 12, showed that 56 percent said that they
usually either say or do something to try to stop bullying or tell someone who can
help (Brown, Birch, & Kancherla, 2005). Make sure your child knows who he or
she can talk to if they have something they want to share, whether that is you, a
school counselor, a teacher or a coach.
DO: Discourage Password Sharing
Explain the importance of keeping online passwords private, even from close
friends. Your child may be thinking that sharing a password with a close friend is
harmless and convenient, but explain that anyone with their password could
impersonate them online and embarrass them. If they insist that the friend would
never do that, remind them that the friend could share their password, either
intentionally or unintentionally, and someone else would have that same power.
DON’T: Take Matters Entirely Into Your Own Hands
While your first reaction may be to protect your child by calling the parent of the
bully or confront the child yourself, this is not always a good solution. Not only is
this rarely effective, it may even prove fodder for additional bullying. Your child
wants to feel empowered and involved in the solution, so discuss options with
him or her and work together to decide on a plan of action.
DO: Be Patient
Your child may be embarrassed or afraid to talk about what is happening to
them. This is normal. Rather than pressuring your child into speaking before they
are ready, just make it clear that you are willing to listen and be a source of
support for them. Once they feel comfortable, they will know that they can open
up to you and seek your advice. Better yet, if you've had this conversation preemptively, before a problem arises, your child will know right away that you can be their partner in finding a solution.
DO: Find Resources Online
Green Giants Raise A Giant site includes a page that lets you read letters other parents have
written to empower their children. You can write your own letter and explore their other resources,
including videos and sharable infographics. National Bullying Prevention Center site also has a page with resources like informational handouts, fact sheets, educational toolkits, and the We Will Generation. You can also browse the video page to see if some of their video resources would be helpful for you or for your child. Green Giants Raise A Giant site includes a page that lets you write a letter to empower your child, but you can also read the letters other parents have written to inspire your talks with your child. Stopbullying.gov and other reliable sites are also abundant on the internet.
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