As I write this blog I can't help feeling like I'd like to have 2025 start all over. I am sure I am not the only parent struggling with how to talk to their kids (even young adult kids) about loss, catastrophe, and tragedy. My year began with the hangover of the horrible accident and loss of three young lives in Piedmont, then my oldest daughter's dear friend from college was killed in the terrorist attack in New Orleans, and then a friend of my son's father passed at a young age and now the wildfires and destruction.
Our jobs as parents are to keep our kids safe and help them navigate this crazy (and wonderful) world, but often times things are unexplainable and we can only support our kids with the best intentions, but there is language that we can use to not add to the fear and anxiety that all of these incidents may be causing our kids to feel. Below are some suggestions for how to talk about something so devastating.
First, know that talking about these difficult things is not easy. We don't often bring up talking about loss and death until we have to and it is not something we are well practiced at. Those who have personal experience with it might feel more comfortable, but it can still be hard to discuss.
Kids managing loss or anxiety around loss need a place to be able to feel their feelings. Everyone experiences loss in their own way, and grieves what feels important to them. Grief can show up as resistance, being oppositional, irritable, or in denial (downplaying fear). If this happens one great suggestion from a pediatrician I follow is to ask them "I wonder if this is fear or grief and that it is ok to feel whatever they feel."
Common Sense Media also recently shared some tips that are helpful if you are navigating grief or loss in your family and with your kids and I think they are wonderful and super helpful.
Validate and reassure them. When scary things happen, kids need to know they are safe and loved. It is important to validate their feelings, not dismiss them. Fear is normal, but they will feel more secure being reassured by you.
Pause and check in with yourself. Your kids are watching you to figure out how to respond. If you stay calm and grounded, they're more likely to follow your lead. That doesn't mean hiding your emotions - it means showing them how to process those feelings in. a healthy way. You can say something like "It is awful to lose a young person - it is not the natural order we are used to. We expect to grow old and live a long and full life." Or, "Tragedy can strike and it can just feel awful. But you are supported and loved and I am glad you are here with me right now."
Encourage curiosity and their questions. Kids are naturally curious. Let them ask the questions, including the difficult ones. Even if you don't have all the answers, it's important to let them talk about what they have heard or seen. You can make sure they have all the facts straight. Some responses you could say if you don't have the answer might be "That is a great question and I am not sure why that happened, but let me think about it and we can talk some more about it later."
Depending on the situation, you can:
Volunteer in your community
Fundraiser for a cause
Write letters of support
Make a meal for someone or go grocery shopping for them
Kids feel more empowered when they see they're capable of making a difference and that they're never too young (or too old) to help.
At the end of the day, what your kids need most is YOU. Your presence, your comfort, and your guidance will help them feel safe and capable, even when the world feels overwhelming.
It is also important to stay in touch with peers and continue activities if they can. Often feeling a sense of connection to our previous routines can help us move
Finally, I think the best advice is to reach out to folks in need. People always appreciate being thought of and can not take you up on an offer if they are not ready to talk or accept help.
Additional Resources for Supporting Children:
National Child Traumatic Stress Network recommended by our friends at the Center for Connection in Pasadena.
Child Mind Institute Trauma Guide for an in-depth guide on understanding and managing trauma at home.
To support younger kids during this time, this guidance from the Southern California PBS site is helpful with links to Sesame Street resources and additional organizations.
For kids to reach out to peers, Teen Line is a long-trusted resource, which includes TEXT TEEN (text 839863 between 6-9pm PT).
Aliza Pressman is someone I follow on Instagram and her podcast Raising Good Humans is terrific Aliza Pressman.
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